ADOLESCENTS AND TEENS: 12 TO 18 YEARS
Adolescence and the teenage years are difficult times for children as well as parents. Under the best of
circumstances, parents need to be prepared for problems. Adolescents and teens can be anxious, idealistic,
and highly sensitive about the opinions of their friends and often see the world in absolutes (all black and
white, good or bad, no in betweens). During this stage of development, it is not uncommon for teenagers to
reject their parents’ rules and ideas.
The primary need for teens is to break away from parents and family and establish their own identity and self-
image. Starting at age 12, they are more interested in classmates and friends than in the family. By age 14,
most teens are embarrassed by their parents and may feel humiliated by a divorce. Their primary concern
about a parental separation can be how it will affect their school and social activities. Don’t take it personally
that your teen would rather be with their friends than with you, their parent. This is just another part of the
natural developmental process and says your child is on track for their age. If, on the other hand, they would
rather be with you than friends their own age, this may be a sign of emotional problems with your teen. If they
are either too dependent on a parent, or feel responsible for a parent, it would not be normal or healthy for a
teen’s development, and could have serious consequences with regard to the individuation process and
choices made in their future adult life, i.e., career, spouse, children. Many life choices may be affected.
It is important to remember when you are in the middle of a struggle with your teen that it is a natural process,
and that your teen is just trying to discover themselves and grow into the strong adult they will become
someday. Also, try to remember when you went through the same kind of struggle with your parents; maybe
over the same things. It is important to set limits with teens, but also allow them to make enough choices that
will lead to increased self-esteem and growth.
Parents need to be aware that although teens may appear to be only concerned with themselves; they still care
about what is happening with the family. They can be deeply affected by a sense of loss and a feeling that the
family unit they have always known will never be the same. A teen’s crisis may be very similar to the parental
crisis, with feelings of depression, anxiety, anger and frustration.
Adolescents may be aware of some of the parental and grown-up issues but have no personal sense of
reference to be able to deal with those issues. That is the reason that adolescents should also not be given the
details about the separation or the divorce (it is only when children become adults, and even then only when it
is helpful to their own situation, that negative details of a parental divorce should be disclosed to them.)
Adolescents and teens may be extremely sensitive and un-accepting of parental behavior. They normally resist
a new partner in the life of their parents and can make it very difficult for a parent to have or start a new
relationship. Parents should be very patient and introduce the new person slowly to the children if they hope
to have them accept that person in the long run.
Parental visits need to be structured to accommodate a teen’s busy life. When caught in the middle of a
conflict, teens often choose to end the relationship with one of the parents in an attempt to make their own
life easier. This is not a good solution for either the teen or the parent and can have negative effects on the
teen’s important adult choices in the future (i.e. husband/wife, career, etc). For children to mature into
healthy adulthood, they need to have a resolved relationship with both their parents.
If they truly understand the emotional price that a child pays, it is doubtful that any separated parent intends
for their child to end up in an unresolved relationship with the other parent. Parents either don’t know, or are
just so caught in their own pain that they don’t think about what it is like from their child’s point of view.